Empathy for Everything

Reading over my blog you might think, “Well, this all looks very good for you, but what about your children? You have eight!” Having any children with mental illness is a trial for all, but I hope that while we have our faults and difficulties we have a happy family and a loving home. I suppose we will not really know until our children grow up!

My dear husband has been amazing at keeping the family going when I have been unwell, but one thing that had a big impact on our family’s happiness and well-being is a book a lovely friend suggested called How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish which I read several years ago.

The basic premise of the book is to have empathy for our children even in small things always. If a child does not want to do their homework you don’t say, “Too bad. Go do it .” You might say, “I know you would really rather read your new book, but doing homework is important.” Your child knows that you care about them, but still have expectations: love combined with hard work. Also, I’m sure most people have incidences which really hurt them as a child which seemed insignificant to their parents. Mistakes will be made, and forgiveness needed, but compassion for the little things minimizes these occurrences. Kindness in small things builds a bond of trust.

Sometimes parents are afraid to empathise if they cannot change a situation. They fear resentment or other negative emotions if they cannot help. However, children, and people in general, are able to push through hard things better with empathy. People usually feel gratitude for empathy without being offered practical aid.

This leads to another recommendation the authors make which I believe should be implemented prudentially. They suggest, after empathising, to say what you wish you could give them. They give an example of a child being frustrated by an unripe banana. The authors believe you should say something like, “I’m sorry, I wish I could make it ripe for you.” This actually brings up a greater question of mental health and virtue. I have said to my children that I wished I could give them certain things. One example is visiting extended family in America more often. I wish we could afford to do that. However, I might say that it is unfortunate the banana isn’t ripe – it will take some patience to wait for it. If one was very wealthy one could immediately give them many things you wish for them which probably wouldn’t be good for their character.

I have, of course, failed many times to empathise. However, making this my general goal has made for a tender and trusting home. None of the children take advantage of this and beg or whine for sympathy. This book has significantly helped the tone of our home and the mental health of our family.