Anecdotes of Schizophrenia

Schizophrenia is a pretty misunderstood illness. It isn’t a split personality, but a confusion of the mind. I really can’t write many details about what going through a paranoid pyschosis was like without feeling quite traumatized, so I will just give a few anectodes of my experience.

One element that is always present when I am unwell is the belief that everyone in the world can automatically know all my thoughts as they are happening. I am always absolutely sure of this and I think people give me cues and hints to tell me what they “really” think of me. I am often very quiet when I am ill because I am obsessively processing these cues and hints and also believe I am not allowed to talk and there is no point since they can understand my thoughts already.

I also always think I am being punished for something and feel compelled to confess things I haven’t done or are massively exagerrated to get the hell that I’m in to stop. I have confessed very strange things to priests and things I haven’t done because I felt tortured into doing so.

When I was first ill I thought everyone who had been in my life wanted me to kill myself and were sending me secret messages pressuring me to do so. My belief that I couldn’t as a Catholic and the fact that I was pregnant at the time prevented me from carrying this out – I would not kill myself while I needed to live to save my baby. Who knows if I could have kept withstanding the pressure I felt otherwise. My child may have saved my life.

They don’t really know why some people develop Schizophrenia. (No, I did not do drugs!) It could be genetics – although there isn’t any previous evidence in my family of which I know. I had risk factors as a child for it which I won’t go into right now. I became psychotic at the age people usually do – early twenties for men and late twenties to early thirties for women.

I won’t go into much more detail on this blog about my actual psychoses as it is too painful to relive the memories. An excellent book on what it is like to be schizophrenic is called The Center Cannot Hold written by Elyn Saks. She is an academic at the University of Southern California Gould Law School. It is hopeful and inspiring to read about someone who has managed to be so successful despite her illness.

I hope that helped to give you a wee glimpse into the life of someone suffering with pyschosis. Thank you for reading.